Someone described my first episode as “raw,” and my brain immediately decided what that meant. Then volleyball got me thinking about showing up, being wanted, how we expect other people to show up for us – and the scoreboards we quietly keep for ourselves.

How much of what we experience is what actually happened, and how much is the story we’ve attached to it?

In this episode, I’m talking about the rules we carry, the lens we see through, being a little gentler with ourselves, and what might happen when we get curious enough to question what we think we already know.

Who made the rules, anyway?

TRANSCRIPT

 Welcome to UnveilHer. I’m your host, Jennifer Fox. Here we get curious about stuff underneath our lives that we don’t always talk about. Sometimes it’s my story, the “her” part of UnveilHer, and sometimes it’s someone else’s. Maybe it’s your unveiling. I have some ideas of where we want to go, but I have really no idea of when or how the unveiling will happen.

That’s the beautiful part, is if we just sit with it and stay curious, and we get to see things differently, and then we get to go from there. So I’m glad you’re here joining me today. This is episode two, and we’re gonna talk about something actually raw. Or at least that’s the word that was given to me.

After I posted my first podcast, I got a lot of positive feedback and there was one person in particular that I said, “Hey, what’d you think?” And he said “Well, it was raw.” And it was really interesting because I was taken back by that response. The, the little insecurity in me was thinking, “Oh, did he not like it?

Was it just not good enough? Was it too much?” And then that little girl in me was like, “Oh, raw. That means I showed myself. Wait, that’s what I was supposed to do. That’s what the whole point of this podcast is to show up as myself,” and I did that. And now here I am, exposed, and I wanted to hide.

I literally wanted to hide. A- and that’s the crazy thing is that’s the story that I’m trying to tell, is to not hide. And yet that, I think that’s our human nature, to want to figure out how to be our whole selves, and then when we do show up as our whole selves, then it’s wait a minute.

Are, am I still gonna be liked? Is this good enough? Is this too much?” And I really wanted to sit there and go there with you today, with this idea of being whole. Whether you wanna call it authentic I personally try and stay away from that word simply because it’s overused and I think maybe misconstrued in its true definition.

Authentic is- yeah it’s being real, and part of that is being raw. But what exactly does that look like? What is showing up with my whole self, and how do we do that? Here’s the interesting thing. How we do that is part of the story that we’re telling ourselves. So for example, I showed up with this idea in my head that this word raw was not great.

And I came home, and I asked my husband, and he’s like, “No, I actually see it as really great because not many people are like that, and not many people know what to do with someone when they’re real like that.” So, um, Yeah, it wasn’t good or bad, and neither one’s perspective was right or wrong. It was the lens that we carry, and the, the idea of it being raw and scary or the idea of it being raw and wonderful comes down to your own personal story and what I’m bringing into the room, the things that are going on in my little head when I don’t want the things going on in my little head.

And that was really interesting to me to sit with that and really figure out how do I show up? How do I show up real, whole all the time? I have to say I want to. I’m learning how to, but there’s so much of my life that has tripped me up or lies that I’ve believed or ideas that have just made really intrinsic habits.

So I Really want to sit with how do we show up whole, or how do we show up at all? And that’s where it was almost two weeks ago. So my birthday was the 12th, and I had volleyball the 13th. But that night after volleyball, I felt so great and so accepted and seen and accepted. And I got in my car, and I just wanted to record something and get it in the moment so I could share it with you all and I originally thought I was just gonna turn that into its own podcast.

It’s about 10 minutes. And I thought, “No, I really wanna talk about this.” I figured I’d lay it up for you, which I just did, and then I’ll play it so this video will go to a blank screen. Don’t worry, I’m still here. I’m gonna play the audio and then we’ll come back to this conversation and kick it around.  

[pre-recording starts]

I think for my next podcast, will be about connection and community and the importance of friends and friends when you don’t have any friends.

Tonight at volleyball, I told the group that I did a podcast before the game, and they’re like, “Oh, that’s nice. Congratulations.” And I thought, “Okay, they’re not interested.” And then after the game, they’re like, “Yeah, send us a link,” and, “And then if you talk about us, let us know. Ha ha Ha.” And we joked about it ’cause my volleyball team, I’ve been with them for three games.

Yes, a total of three games. And they’ve all been together for 20 years. Needless to say, it’s quite a learning curve for me. And I’m thinking that This topic about connection and feeling seen and feeling wanted is a big deal. It just, it speaks right to my core. It speaks volumes for me because that’s my wound.

I spent a lot of my life wondering if I was wanted. And I did a l- a lot of things to prove to others that I could be wanted. Or I, chose to do things thinking that was the thing to do to be wanted. And tonight it was great. It was like I just showed up. I was me. I played volleyball.

I did okay. Didn’t do great. Didn’t do terrible. At least I hope that’s what they think, too. And and they were like, “Yeah you’re one of us. You’re in with us.” And it felt really great. It felt really great to be in this group that three weeks ago I just walked in and said, “Hi, I’m Jennifer.”

They’re like, “Hi,” “welcome to the team.” And I don’t know. I… There’s still that, that, that voice in my head that’s always questioning, “Is this right for me? Are they gonna like me? Am I gonna play good enough? Oh, crap, I didn’t play good enough.” And I’ll get there. I haven’t played volleyball in 20-plus years, and they knew that when I walked in.

But I was pretty good at it when I played back in the day, so my, my skills are stale. My body’s stale. I… when you’re on a certain path of, fitness or religion or career, and then somehow life goes er and that path just roadblocks or crumbles and, or just y- you’re not on that path anymore.

And that’s what happened to me as far as my fitness went. I it just, it went, and I’m working hard now to get it back. Not because I want to look great. That’s a bonus, but because I wanna be strong, because I wanna move fast on the court, because I wanna be healthy and live a good, long life and have my muscles working in my favor.

A- anyway, the point is, is- Me deciding to get out there, me deciding to say yes to this volleyball was a big risk for me to get back out there, especially when I didn’t have my fitness and top game, especially when I haven’t played volleyball in 20 years, and especially when I have been disappointed with friendships over and over, and are they gonna want me?

And tonight when I left the team, I felt really great. And I wonder if there’s something in your life that, if you think you need to try hard, or you need to be the funny guy in the room, or you need to be the girl that has the heels on. I did that too in corporate America. You walk into a room and you have to command it or you’re out the door.

And you know what? I get it. But where’s the real in that? Where’s the you in that? Where’s the me in that? How do I command a room and still s- stay real? Or how do I just not worry about commanding the room and just show up? That’s the hard part. That’s the hard part.

How do you just show up like I did for volleyball? So there. That’s the question for today. How do you show up? Do you show up?

And I am gonna sit with you and say, “I hope you do show up because it is maybe scary, maybe a little nerve-wracking the first time And when you do it, something inside grows a little bigger. It’s not just your courage it’s that, that voice inside of you that is just that, that little girl or that little boy that’s on the playground saying, “Is anybody gonna play with me?”

And when you show up, people do. People do. And it felt great. So I, again, encourage you to show up and to show up as yourself. What does that look like? What would it look like if you didn’t have to walk in the room and do or be somebody you thought, but you were just yourself

It feels really great to do that. Feels really great So

I realize too that I say so a lot as I am talking I’m gonna work on that. I’ve always had that issue

Anyway Showing up, community, connection, how we crave to be seen and wanted and isolation is not fun. I’ve spent a lot of years in isolation and there’s a place for that when you go into isolation because you just need space to heal. It’s not a isolation of I’m cutting you off, I need my health, I need my time.

That’s not isolation, that’s rejection. Healthy isolation is, “Hey I just need a minute. I’ll be back. I just need a minute.” But staying in that isolation is what catches you. And staying in that isolation is what keeps you from connection, and connection is how we are created. Connection is what helps us thrive.

Connection is what helps us live and be alive. Connection is what helps us improve. A I may not have ever played volleyball and I love it if I wouldn’t have shown up. B, I wouldn’t be excited about working out and being healthy again if I wasn’t on the court seeing how slow I was. It helps. The connection helps.

And then C, I have people around me that are encouraging me, “Hey, here’s something you could learn at,” and, “Hey, here’s something you did really great.” So it’s inspiring. It’s building up each other, and we need that. I, gosh, I need that’s the topic for today. How are you gonna show up? Are you gonna show up?

Please show up. Please show up and tell me about it. Tell me about how it went. Tell me how scary it was when you said, “I’m not gonna walk in cocky this time,” or, “I’m not gonna walk in timid this time.” Or you know what? I am maybe gonna walk in a little timid this time, but I’m gonna walk in

So there goes so again Volleyball was great. The team is great. I’m so grateful that I showed up and that I keep showing up

I hope you do too. Let me know. All right, I will talk to you next time as you continue unveiling yourself and we learn how to show up as ourselves.

[pre-recording ends]

 So what did you think of that? Showing up. How are you showing up? As I was recording that, there was something that I said right then and there that I just immediately had this spark in my head that was I see where you’re going, Jennifer, but that’s not always the case.” And that’s when I said that people always show up, because in my experience, people don’t always show up.

I’ve had quite a few when, I reached out for help and they weren’t available, or I just was having a bad day and there, didn’t have the shoulder to cry on or I was going through a bad spot. I had a breast cancer scare and there were some people that just were checked out and that really hurt.

So sometimes people don’t show up. But… Not really but, and

I want to talk about what it means not just for me to show up, but how to see someone else showing up for me. And what I mean by that is those times that I just explained that someone didn’t show up for me, maybe legitimately they didn’t show up for me. At what lens, at what point did it become just downright unfriendly or mean or dismissive?

Or was it just that they didn’t have it in them? They didn’t know. They didn’t understand. They didn’t know how to meet me. Maybe it was my own lens of somebody coming for me. How many times… Ugh, I can, I like can lose count how many times I have cried because I didn’t think somebody showed up for me, and it’s not that they didn’t show up, it’s that they didn’t show up in the way that I was looking for or hoping for.

And that’s where I think that there’s an opportunity to get curious and to say, “Hey, this is what I was needing. Did you know?” Or how do I connect with you?” Or, “Man, that, that really sucked, but I don’t even know if you know what you did. You’re my friend, can we talk about this?” And so many times I have misconstrued somebody else’s showing up for me because, again, of my own lens.

And what is that lens? Sometimes I’m coming into a space really raw. Raw in the sense of, “Here I am, here’s all of me. I’m beat down. I’m just have n- nothing to give. I need help.” Raw. Sometimes it’s raw, real, and I’m here and I’m happy and somebody doesn’t know how to meet me in my happiness.

There was a group that I was in, and we were learning how to attune and pay attention to the emotions and the voice behind the voice and what’s going on in the room and in a particular person. And so many times I wasn’t met. And so many times I was just genuinely hurt and frustrated and “Don’t you guys see me?”

And it wasn’t because they didn’t want to, it was because they genuinely couldn’t. From where they sat, from their understanding, from where they are in life- Again, not a right or a wrong. It was just two people at two different wavelengths, basically speaking two different languages. So showing up for that volleyball game, am I gonna show up scared?

Am I gonna show up confident? Am I gonna show up with all of me? Am I gonna show up thinking that I need to do my best? Am I gonna show up wanting to do my best and not really… maybe I m- miss a serve or hit a ball out of bounds, and I feel really stupid. But I’m gonna stay. I’m gonna stay in that space, and hopefully the other players in that situation will stay in that space with me.

And in life, I’m gonna, I’m gonna show up with my breast cancer scare that fortunately turned out to not be anything major, in case you’re wondering. But that was a really dark, scary moment for me. And when certain people didn’t show up for me, I got I got really angry. And so the tables turned.

Am I gonna be able to show up for them? Am I gonna be able to lean in and see where they’re at, or accept their position, or ask if they’re okay even? Because maybe it wasn’t intentional here’s something else for you. , So I told you already I started playing this volleyball game and it’s been 20-plus years since I picked up a ball and I’m really committed.

Like I’m… I- if you know me, when I put my mind to something I do it and I’m all in. That, that doesn’t mean that there’s still that, that voice in my head that gets in the way of my own self. I’m sure many of you can relate to that, but nevertheless I show up. So I’m thinking volleyball. Okay, new team, I’m rusty, I’m getting back out there.

I I’m practicing with my sister-in-law in her backyard. I decided that… I actually got a phone call to join a second team and I thought, “Huh, I’m just… Like I don’t know if I can do that two nights every week for…” I… Right off the bat, that’s a lot. But I gave myself permission to just show up to just say yes to that first invitation and not have to commit and not have to put so much pressure on myself and that’s something else that I have had to learn how to undo, that my decisions aren’t forever, that I could change them.

So I go to this volleyball, and this was just last night, and I went on purpose to give myself a different dynamic, a different possibly a different vibe. The Thursday league is quite competitive and I have been feeling like I haven’t been playing up to par and yet they have been wonderful for me.

And so I thought, “All right, I’m gonna go and check out another team.” I have no idea, again, walking in blind. I got a phone call, “Are you interested in joining?” And I said, “Yeah, I’ll show up.” So I show up- And right off the bat, there was some of that competitive nature in the room. And then there was also, a little bit more jovial-ness and youthful energy on the court as well.

And what I took away from that was, “Oh, my gosh, Jennifer, I, I have a very competitive nature for myself.” I was keeping score of myself, not of the other players. They could do whatever they wanted to do. They could be whoever they wanted to be, and I was fantastic with that. But whoa, if I screwed up, I looked bad, I disappointed them, I lost a point.

Pfft, n-no way. And when I realized that, I was up late last night thinking about all of this, I’m like, “Wow, I give myself my own freaking scoreboard.” Jennifer, zero. Life, 100. Come on. Who can relate? We just have these preconceived ideas of what’s going on or what should be, and we forget to be curious with ourselves.

Where did that scoreboard come from? Where did that competitive nature come from? Does it even need to be there? Because I’m gonna tell you, on the court, sure. Yeah, you wanna win. In life, yeah, there’s places and times where you wanna win. But for me, when I put my scoreboard on accepting my own self or accepting my own flaws or beating myself up when I do have the flaws, it’s like, cut yourself some slack.

Be kind to yourself, Jennifer. Be kind And yeah, I

But that one really hit me, to not have the scoreboard for myself full circle to show up, to allow other people to show up for me, to show up for other people, to have curiosity and grace, and then be kind to myself, be gentle on myself, be competitive, have some fun. There’s no have to live life a certain way.

It’s it’s about me embracing all of the pieces, parts of me, and letting all of them walk on the court or in the room with me all the time. And that’s… I- if you were raised that way and you do that naturally, please call me so that, you can give me tips and tricks so I could do it better.

I, I just… No fault to my parenting. I’m… It’s just life. I’m very hard on myself. But I am, I’m learning how to care for myself well. Not in this, this 2026 version of wellness. That matters. There are things that, we can do to take care of our bodies, take care of our minds, and all of that.

But , for me it’s more of the, the inner am I willing to be raw? Am I willing to show up for you guys, for myself when it’s hard or scary? And then am I willing to be okay with that If I’m not met where I thought I should have been met

And continue taking those steps back into the rooms, back on the court

I’m so glad that I had two weeks to put this podcast together. I was hoping to have the first podcast out and then on a weekly schedule. But with everything else going on and kicking this off, two weeks might be the right schedule for me. But I’m keeping it flexible. We’ll see how it goes. I’m already redesigning my room in my head for a podcast setup, so we’ll we’ll play that one by ear, I think.

I love the creative process and the, the doing part is the most difficult for me, so I need to get in better practice of doing, showing up. So here I am, and I’m really glad you joined me. I am just really looking forward to what is going to come out of this, what I’m going to get curious about of all the things that I just said.

And I also just realized that I did not put my mic on. I’m sorry for the poor sound quality, ’cause I’m a stickler for that. But I don’t wanna re-record all of this because this is all raw. I have my notes, but I’m coming to you right now unedited, maybe little tweaks here and there, but th- this is what you get with Jennifer unveiling herself in front of you all.

Until next time, thank you for joining. I love you all. Bye.