What happens when you can’t fix what’s hurting you? A year into a painful family estrangement, I’m sharing the things I almost didn’t say out loud. The grief, the anger, the questions – and what I’m discovering about finding hope, taking care of myself, and continuing to live when the story isn’t over.

TRANSCRIPT

Say the things that are scary because those are the things that people wanna hear. Not because they’re interested in drama. Well, you have those people. But because that’s where realness lives.

I was out to dinner with some girlfriends a few nights ago, and I was sitting there with them and having a great time, and one of my friends said, “Hey, I missed your podcast. What, what, what’s going on? I, I wanna fan girl you.”

And I felt so great in that moment that, uh, that I had a friend who was a fan, but I also felt really bad in that moment because of the reason why I missed last podcast.

I contemplated whether to share this with you because it’s, it’s not just personal to me, but it’s, it’s personal to the person on the other side of the story.

And part of me has been really struggling with: how do I share my stories when the story could possibly hurt someone that I love?

And I don’t think the answer is to not share the story because then I would be withholding a piece of me. I’ve— I’m, I’m trying to lean into the answer that sharing my side of the story, my lens, my perspective, uh, my situation, my experience is what being vulnerable is all about, and not judging, not having any preconceived notions, and having a open heart with curiosity and compassion and grace, but also being real with my feelings and what’s going on on the inside and, and my confusion.

So, the reason I missed last podcast: I hit a one-year anniversary to something that has been one of the most difficult places of my life. I have been through some, some really hard stuff. I have even, I’ve alluded to things that happened years ago that I had to face personally, and that was excruciatingly difficult.

And I’m on the other side of that. But this, this one, for some reason, takes the cake. I think it’s because it speaks to my core of not being wanted, of being abandoned.

And there’s, there’s gotta be something to that because, woo, my, my emotions are being stirred up even as I’m saying this, and I came fully prepared to, uh, to have a conversation.

So you see, the beginning of October was the one-year anniversary to my sister cutting me out of her life.

And it came as a shock, literally as a shock, because we had, uh, what I thought was a blooming relationship. A relationship—it wasn’t perfect. It, it had its ups and downs in the history, but we were at a place I thought that we came face to face with those things. We talked about those things. We laid our fears on the table. We laid our frustrations on the table. We laid our anger on the table and, and we committed to being committed to each other. And it was over the course of, I’d say, a year that we had gotten to this place because she was going through something personal of her own and, um, needed my help with caretaking for her kids.

And I, I was… I dove in. I was— I could not be happier to be a part of her life, to be able to, um, to be there for her, for her children. I, I mean, these little ones have… They just, they, they needed, they need people who, who really care and want to invest in them, and I was thrilled that I was asked to be in that group.

And in that year, the kids and I had an extremely close bond that we had created.

My sister and I were reconnecting and rebonding, there was, like I said, some, some hard stuff that she was going through.

And in the past, I would say that I would have inserted myself, inserted my opinion, and I really, really tried to not do that this time, to just be, to just be there, to just be her friend, to only offer advice when, when it was asked. But hindsight, I look back and I see where I thought I was doing that, and I maybe have pushed a little far.

And I could go into the details of where I think I did too much, maybe took on a role that wasn’t mine to take on as being somebody who was so excited to, to participate in their lives.

So from my lens, I was stepping in and, and doing what you’re supposed to do. I was buying the things and helping out and driving and, and all of the stuff.

My mom and I split a week where my sister was out of town, watching the kids. And the kids and I had a really rough go those few days. But by the time that week ended, we had talked about those bumps.

We had cried together over those bumps. We, we sat together and, it w— it wasn’t like the relationship was fixed and, and everything was all rosy, but it was, “Hey, I care about you. I care about you so much that I will make a million mistakes and never leave you, because I’d rather get it wrong and come back and repair with you than stand on my own and tell you that I’m right.”

And the kids, you know, they’re kids. They, they received that in a way that said, “Okay.” I… Not, not in their words, but in mine, w— what… the way I interpreted it was, “All right. I don’t like what Aunt Jen did, but I also know that Aunt Jen loves me.”

And that was the last time I saw the kids.

And it has been the most difficult thing I have been through because it feels like a death, every day. I’ve really learned or tried to sit with this and try and figure it out and what happened and what did I do wrong.

I don’t think it’s that I did anything wrong. I think it’s that where I was and where my sister was, there was just not a match. And her way of dealing was to just put up the wall and say, “I don’t have space for this right now.” And coming from somebody who we had been through so much together and conquered through so much together and committed to so much together, that literally took the wind out of my sails.

It, it knocked me off my feet. So when that one-year anniversary came, I’m like doing the podcast, doing the business, doing life, doing volleyball, and then it was like I just went crashing down again. And I really had to—

I was gonna say I had to dig, but I think I, I just had to sit with that. I had to sit with the pain, the curiosity, the confusion, the anger. On one end, I wanna just fix it, but I know I can’t fix it because it takes two in a relationship. I wanna say, “Hey,” you know, like the, the prodigal son and the father in, in the Bible where the, the father says, “It doesn’t matter what you did. I’m here. I love you. Let- let’s just move on. Let’s love each other.”

And then there’s another part of me that’s like, “How dare you? How dare you treat me this way after what we have been through?” All of those emotions exist. All of those emotions matter.

And one thing I know for sure is that I will never leave. She’s my sister, and someone that I am committed to and open to repair at any time and however that looks. And I can only wait. I got really stuck in being angry that one-year anniversary. I got really angry and really depressed. I had to just figure out a way to, to get myself back out of that pit.

I’m like, how in the world do you find hope in this suffering? When it’s like that movie, I forget the name of it, but you know, where she… Groundhog’s Day kind of theory where she wakes up and she relives the moment every day. That’s how I felt. Like, like every day I know that they’re still right around the corner from me.

I know that my other family members still associate with them. I know that life is still happening, and those kids are probably laughing without me, without me, every single day. And yet I have to move on with my life. I have to find a way to feel the feels, accept it, and say I can’t control it, and if and when we come together, we come together.

I think I’ve done everything possible aside from knocking on her door and forcing her to have a conversation with me, which wouldn’t work anyway. And it’s killing me, but I had to figure out a way to let the killing me part not kill me, and—whoo! Yeah, that one, that one took a minute.

And I was listening to a podcast, Curt Thompson was the guest of the podcast, and I really admire Curt Thompson.

He is a superstar when it comes to being able to get to the other side of things. For me, it’s not just holistic or wellbeing or acceptance. It’s I wanna understand it. He gets into the science behind our brains or psychology or physiology so when I sit with him, I get both ends of the spectrum, and then I can really have something to chew on, and it was really helpful.

And he was talking about hope. And the question the, the host asked was, “For those of us who have been through so much pain, it hurts to hope, but we don’t wanna give up hope. So how, how do we not give up hope? And what do we do with the hurt?” And Curt went on and it, it was a 30-minute conversation that basically says I am loved by a creator who adores me, who thinks that I am the cat’s meow, that, uh, wants the very, very best for me.

And when I put my hope in, for example, my sister and I getting back together, I don’t know where it’s gonna go. But when I put my hope into the creator, then I know that no matter what the outcome is, that I’m gonna be okay. That was really helpful to hear again. Because I can’t fix it. I can’t fix it on my own.

When I lean into the Creator, God, who has, in my opinion, let me down, but in hindsight, I know that he hasn’t really let me down. It was just the season that I needed to go through. I have been angry at him. I have kicked him to the curb. I have embraced him. I have been through so many seasons of wanting to be wanted and looking for all of the other things and other places and other people to fill that gap.

And again, if, if I do that for my sister, if I sit and I wait and I pine for her to want me, I’m, I’m gonna have that hole forever. But if I lean into, “Hey, I, I am wanted. I am wanted by my Creator, by the God of the universe,” it’s like it puts it in perspective that whether my sister and I ever get back together, I still hope for that.

I’m not giving up that.

But there’s something bigger than that. And the bigger than that is me continuing to step into me. It’s me continuing to live my life. It’s me continuing to lean into other gifts and friendships and passions.

Because when I stay stuck in the suffering, I’m not leaning into me, and I’m, I’m not pursuing my gifts.

And I’m sad and mopey, and it’s okay to go through those phases. There is seasons of depression. I get it. But I’m talking about when I choose to stay there. That is not me honoring me. It’s not me honoring my Creator. And it just doesn’t feel good. I wanna be proud of the life that I live.

And so when I heard, like I said, this 30-minute episode of Curt talking about this topic in detail, and that there is hope in suffering, and there is suffering in hope, but there is glory in all of it, and the glory of the sunshine being out, the glory of life, the glory of God is what’s going to get me through this.

So it, it didn’t necessarily take away my hurt, and pain, and sadness and anger, but it softened them, and it gave me a different direction, and that direction is to lean into my community. And my community is my friends, my family, you, the people that are going to sit and listen. Because I’ve found that when I have friends that are just hanging out and, we’re going to a party, or we’re going to a movie, or w- whatever, we’re distracted with something else, um, those are—how do I say it?

Those are like acquaintance friends. But when I have friends that look at me and say, “Hey, I wanted to fangirl you. I missed your podcast.” And then I say why, that I was really struggling, another girlfriend says, “I’ve been there. I see you. I get it.” And then I said, “I’m afraid to speak my truest feelings,” and then another girlfriend says, “I get that. It’s okay,” and people want to hear them.

So it’s the being seen, it’s the being soothed, it’s feeling safe and secure with those friends that changes, like it… Even as I’m speaking I have a bodily reaction. I’m having goosebumps because my brain is telling my body it’s okay, and my body is actually relaxing and a little bit kind of rejoicing that the neuroscience, the chemistry of having a community, of having friends really does make a difference.

And it helps me wanna keep going, and it, it lifted me out of that one-year gut pit. I probably will keep you posted, nuggets as, um, as time goes on and, and hopefully the story ends well and there will be a reconnection and a, a glorious day with my sister and the kids.

But until then, I’m gonna look for other glorious days and other glorious things, and really continue leaning into showing up and being me and, and, telling the scary bits.

Like, even just what I said to you in the last 20 minutes was not easy to share. I mean, it’s one thing to share it to a friend. It’s another thing to go on video and just share it with everybody. Like I was saying from the beginning, uh, my sister estranged me, dot, dot, dot. My head goes, “Well, what did you do wrong, Jennifer? W- what, you know, it’s all your fault, Jennifer.” And that’s not true. That’s totally not true. She obviously has reasons that she thinks that what she’s doing is okay or the right thing to do, or, or if she doesn’t and she’s doing it anyway. I, I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t speak for her. I just know that on my end, it really sucks.

It’s also taught me a lot about how to accept someone for where they are, and letting them go to be that person. Um, and I, I suspect that this is where motherhood, whether it’s children or people, but the, the nurturing aspect, as we learn, the people aren’t going to always do what we want them to do, and loved ones will hurt us.

But does that mean that we abandon them? Not to me. It means that I am going to love them as much as they will let me love them.

Meaning, I’m not gonna continue pouring and pouring and pouring, and trying and trying, and reaching and reaching, and hitting a wall and hitting a wall and hitting a wall, and then that hurts more and more and more.

That’s, that’s not me taking care of myself well. I will leave the door open.

I look at it as: is it loving? What is love? Love is joy, patience, repair, respect, kindness. I could go on. And for someone to cut another human being off I don’t see that as being loving. And that’s where I don’t think that it’s righteous. But I also don’t know why she’s doing it, so I can’t judge and assume that it’s wrong.

It can get complicated here because I really do wanna still offer that grace.

I also firmly believe in relationships that hit bumps, relationships that have ruptures need repair. I mean, if you, if you think about it, when I look at how we are modeled—

How do I say this?

I have been repeatedly shown in my childhood that when something difficult happens, you take space, that space turns into a permanent end that is not relationship or repair. And when we think about love and God and Jesus’ example to us, that’s not what he does either.

My perspective is I see Jesus as a kind, loving, compassionate person who also has law and order, and it’s not one or the other, it’s both and. So kind and compassionate doesn’t mean you’re a pushover, and law and order doesn’t mean you’re a dictator.

It means that I am going to, like the first commandment—

The first commandment is, “You shall have no other gods before me.” But the second commandment is, “Love others as you love yourself.” I have been digging into the second commandment for a really long time now. So love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Well, I grew up with love your neighbor. Love your neighbor, love your neighbor.

Joy, Jesus first, others next, yourself last. I mean, there was even a child song to this, and that… I gotta say, that screwed me up big time because I lost how to love me.

So the last several years, I have been figuring out and leaning into how do I love myself well and still love others well? And that’s the whole point of the commandment is love others as you love yourself. Okay.

So how do I love myself? Well, then the first commandment is love the Lord. Have no other gods. Love the Lord. So by learning what love is and how to love, starting with myself, protecting myself, taking care of myself, embracing myself, I can’t give what I don’t have. So if I don’t do those things, I’m really not able to love other people.

Now, so taking that step back of, huh, how do I care for myself? What does that look like?

That means not putting myself on the doormat waiting for my sister to come back. That means instead being available, like my porch light is on for you, but I’m also gonna go and live my life. It could mean boundaries. You know, I’m… This is what I’m willing to accept, and this is what I’m not willing to accept. Whether that’s in a friendship, a, a family member, a marriage, I mean, that’s loving yourself well so that you can love others well. Because when we have that clarity about ourselves, which mind you, I’m still working on this every day.

When we have that clarity on ourselves, then we’re able to, to confidently and boldly go into the space to love others.

And loving others, as I was taught in the past, was pour out yourself, be selfless, do all the things. And I’m over here going, “Wait a minute, where, where, does Jennifer fit?” And I didn’t start asking that question until I was, like, 40 years old, and he, you know, now at 50, I’m, I’m really embracing that question.

Where does Jennifer fit? And now where does Jennifer go? And who do I take with me? Or maybe the question is, do I even need to take anybody with me? And it’s not like I’m gonna go bail on my relationships and go do what I want, but it’s a, it’s a inner, I’m okay for me. I don’t need to live my life for everybody else.

Full circle back to my sister. I don’t need to live my life sitting at the doorstep waiting for her to come back. It’s, I accept where she is. I’m gonna grieve. I grieve a lot. There’s a lot of grief and different variations, the different forms that it comes in, and I’m gonna allow those moments to happen when they happen.

I’m also going to realize that those moments will pass. And paying attention to the feelings that I have going on, giving them space, naming it. Today, I’m having a really bad day. Or, “Man, I only thought about this for two seconds today, I’m doing pretty good.” And, and giving myself the time, honoring myself, and going back to the Lord saying, “How do I love you well? Lord, show me to, how to be like you so that I can treat myself that way, and so that I can love others.”

What do we base love on?

Do we base love on what I want? Do we base love on what they want? Do we base love on the needs of others? Do we base love on what society says? Do we base love on the feelings that I get inside? What is love?

To wrap this up, I do hope and I, yes, intentionally use that word hope, that these words resonate with you at some level, that maybe you find a glimmer of hope in something that you’re struggling with or confirmation that what you’re doing is not selfish, and rejoicing in the glory, in the glory of our creator and the glory of ourselves.

I keep looking out my window here because it’s a beautiful sunny day, and it reminds me of the sunshine on my back, the Lord smiling on me. I may not get it right every day, but I keep going. So until the next episode, I will see you guys then.

Love you all. Bye